I can't believe that a whole year has come and gone since my Dad passed away. I've thought so much about him during the year, and especially this last week as I knew this date was approaching. There are things Bryan and I have been going through recently that I have wished I could call and chat with my Dad about. We've been trying to make a lot of decisions and I know Dad would've had advice to share (although I'm pretty sure I know what his advice would have been).As Eleanore has been growing and changing so much I have often wished I could call and tell Dad about her little achievements -- those are the kinds of things that he would be proud of. She is learning the names of her cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents and I have showed her pictures of Dad and told her it was "Grandpa Toy." It breaks my heart that she won't get to know him and have an understanding of a big part of what makes me who I am and get to know "Grandpa Toy" -- one of the titles I know Dad was most proud of holding.
We have missed the early morning birthday, Valentines and "any day" calls. On each of those days I have told Bryan, "Dad would have called by now." When Mother's Day came and went, I thought about Dad. I know he would have been the first to call and say how happy he was that I got to celebrate the holiday as a mother. When Bryan was put in the Bishopric recently, I know Dad would have been so proud of him. That day I wished we could have called him. He often told me how happy he was that I married a worthy priesthood holder who takes care of me and Eleanore. We've missed his postcards and letters. It is still hard to believe he is gone.
It is funny how none of these things seemed so precious until we knew we'd never get them again. In fact there were some (really) early morning phone calls that we were annoyed by and many pieces of advice that I thought I could have done without. Over the last year I've really tried to put those memories into a permanent spot in mind, so I don't forget them. Those "pieces of advice" have now become precious words of wisdom that I rely on in tough times.
Many nights when I rock Eleanore to sleep my thoughts turn to my parents and what it was like for them to be the parents of young children. I wish I could ask them about those experiences.
We miss you Dad! I'm happy to know that "the circle of our love is forever." I know that you must be busy on the other side, but I like to think that during these hard and happy times you are somewhere nearby saying, "I love you sweetheart."
6 comments:
Such a sweet post Emily, I can relate to so many of your sentiments. It's hard not having them there for advice, but like you said, most likely we can guess what they would think of a situation. He definitely has to be proud of what an awesome mom, wife and friend you are. I know I am. Hope that things slow down for you guys! lOve ya
I can't believe it's been a year. I'm sure it's so hard, and I can't even begin to relate, but we love you and you guys are always in our thoughts. Such a nice post about your dad. It reminded me of a story I read in the Ensign (I think) of a similar situation. The daughter had her Dad's old briefcase, and she filled it with things all about her Dad. Then she used those things to teach her children about their Grandpa and to make him a real person and real part of their lives. I thought of you when I read that story, and then it came to my mind again when you said you show Eleanore pictures of Grandpa Toy and talk about him. It's so great that you do this, it will create such wonderful memories for both you and your kids.
Love you guys!
I am just catching up on your blog...but reading about dad I had to comment. I guess I just say, ditto to all of the things you've said. I've felt so similar in so many of the same situations & I've missed him more than I would've thought I could as a grown adult.
I know he's NOT not involved though, even now. He wouldn't allow for that! He like having his nose in everything, at least just enough to have fun...so I'm sure it's still there (even if we can't see it now--who ever imagined not being able to see dad's nose??? sorry, just had to).
But anyway, I'm glad I have you & my other siblings to rely on since the parents are not here now--even if sometimes it's just a phone call like it was with dad. I can almost imagine him up there saying something like, "I knew I had all these kids for something" while he sees us down here trying to figure life out.
He was most proud of being a dad & a grandpa. I believe that despite the postcards, the door signs, the address labels, or the answering machine that all were labeled with "Dr. Steve Toy". He made me believe it before he left, and that's all that matters now.
Em , that was a nice post. This weekend has been tough for me too. But I really appreciated it, thanks. Your such a amzing big sis. and I too am SO lucky to have all you.
Loved the post Em! Like Shay said I am sure he is very much part of our lives.
When I really start thinking that Dad, sweet Grandma J or your mom are around I really try being my best. Because I wouldn't want to disappoint them now. It was easy to hide my weaknesses when they were here, but now not so easy. Not that I have a LOT to hide I just have my many days of not being the best wife to his son and mother of his grandchild.
I know that he is very proud of you and I am sure he is so happy that you teach El about him, he isn't forgotten! We need to do more of that with Gabe.
We love you guys and hope that we will see each other soon!
Take care.
That was a great post Emily. I'm sure he looks down on you and your family often. We are so blessed to be members of the true gospel and know that our families are forever.
Post a Comment